Even though I had always had “money problems,” I was able to hold a job, pay my bills (always late), had a place to live and enough to eat. And then at a some point, it all became unmanageable. I found myself without work, without a place to live, and using a credit card that a family member helped me get (trying to help!). I found myself dependent on credit to meet my basic needs, and also found myself buying extravagant things (because I felt so deprived). I found myself using debt to rebuild a life that had become unmanageable. I experienced a tremendous amount of shame and self-hatred—”How could I be so stupid?” “What happened to me?” I’m too smart to be doing this.” I struggled to pay off my horrible debt as fast as I could—only to find “more month left at the end of the money.” And then I’d go further into debt and hate myself even more. I continued in this fashion, building this house of cards, with my debt always going up, never down, and then it got worse. I got married on credit. I found myself attempting to buy a house, without a job, without any money.

During this painful time, I struggled with my finances, but mostly with my sanity. It may have occurred to me that I had a problem that was deeper than just my financial circumstances. I thought that I was deeply flawed—not just broke, but broken. As luck would have it, I had a few friends who were members of Alcoholics Anonymous. In conversations with them about their problems, they described being “powerless” and their lives becoming “unmanageable.” It sounded similar to what I had been experiencing. At some point, one of these friends began to talk about having similar issues with money and debt. He was a member of Debtors Anonymous, and when I opened up to him—just a little—about my problems, he generously offered his experience with “compulsive debting,” and with his recovery from it. He told me where and when the meeting was, and by some miracle, I went. I guess I was ready for help. I showed up to the meeting and there were over 100 people there! In the first five minutes I knew I was in the right place, and they made me feel welcome and supported. Several people suggested that I “keep coming back”—”It gets better.” I’m so glad I did. I found relief from my insanity in that group of people that understood exactly what I was going through.

I now recognize that I do have a problem that is deeper than my financial circumstances. It is described as a “spiritual problem” and I consider that to be accurate. I also describe my problem as a chronic “not enough” syndrome—there’s not enough of anything in this world, and I’m not enough. My compulsive debting was a symptom of this. Over time, the support of other D.A.s, my commitment to not incur new unsecured debt, and the Twelve Steps have restored me to sanity—and more. The principles in the Twelve Steps have become part of a simple, daily practice for me that provides a real sense of security and fulfillment. I have a growing and evolving understanding of a “higher power.”  I know I can get through anything that life dishes up, without making any more debt.